If the Devils hiding in youthe sweep of your eyes across my facebrings me down to your levelhiding in a shadow, hoping you don't seethat i'm holding a shovel.i'm giving you a time limiton the day i say i do, exceptit won't be to a person but an it,a devil in disguise,i'm hoping you'll be the one who cuts my wrists for me.this is a toxic, chemical, voluntary movement.i don't know you and you don't know me,but we're spending our last moments of the daypraying, screaming, quietly over the phonewhispers of a better tomorrow,a dinner by the ocean never happened yet.you're not trying to break up a happy homebut you remind of cigarettes i never smoked,veins being popped,all the highways i ran across.you are everything he isn't.a safe comfort in an unsafe world, well no.you're exactly what everything a mother warns their daughters to avoid.and i'm not falling.i'm stepping off the cliff.
dear momdear mom,you told me when i was younger, when i was nothing more than a 5 year old who couldn't understand what it meant to be a foot shorter and fifty pounds under the rest of the children, that i had to grow up to ignore the stares and remember that i am someone, and i am meant to be heard.when i was ten you took me into a hearing specialist,and they checked to see if i was deaf,little me, who couldn't speak.and i wasn't deaf.they diagnosed me with CAPD,something you didn't consider important enoughto tell me about until i looked through my filesand saw for myself.the explanation for all the crying, all thepushing headphones in my ears till the drumming wassoftened, the headache oozing out of my brain.but you didn't think it important enough to tell me.i was fourteen years old when the first boy i ever lovedbroke me into a million pieces.i shattered a plate across the floor when my own brother,the one with a thousand disorders to his name,called me a slut.but you,
Growing upThis is me, seventeen years in the making.You told me to watch out for strangers, men with shaggy beards and dirty hands, and razor blades in my candy bars.But you never told me about the secret elves, the ones that steal your soul.I've got corporate dangers on each side of me, politics up to my shoulders, and I'm drowning in a country where the money I make digs my grave for me. College is around the corner, and I'm lucky enough that after 4 years and 5 schools, I've fallen to an early way out and experience on my side.They say get an education, get a job, make yourself known. Follow your dreams.It's been seventeen years and people say "you're too young to know" "you're too old to do that"when the social standard becomes, get old fast, stay young forever, you have to wonder when you're an adult.I didn't know that on the other side of the rainbow there was happiness. I didn't know that drugs and sadness could lead me to good luck. I am no adult.I am an adult.
Exes and Oh'sLook,just because we were once upon a time a thing, doesn't mean that thing is a thing anymore. Maybe we were something once, and you ended it and I sure as hell got over it.You can't just sit there and expect me to be okay with the constant brush off the shoulder, "no we can't hang out" excuses.Take it from your girlfriend, no one wants to be a last choice.And no one wants to be lied to.You have a simple mind. When exes become friends, and some how it works, that's it. No ifs, ands, or buts. There are no hidden feelings, no awkward intentions. You just sit there and laugh and be happy that the break up never pushed a rock on our hearts and swords down our throats. And it's not even like I'm mad for that. I'm mad that you don't have the decency to cut your own words out of your heart and tell me what you're really thinking. That just because I'm your ex, means there has to be something more to this "friendship".So you can cram it down your throat and soak in bittersweet love-ties
this cloud looks like youso you wanted me to write you a letter?I’ve been bleeding my heart out so much, I’ve got too much to say.I could tell you that I’m worried about the coming days,and how the date is set. but I’d be telling you thingsyou already know. I don’t want to look toward the day when I’mstuck on the road where only ocean blue is left for me, and my onlyfriend is the midnight bridge from the Lost Colony to home.you are my home.do you remember the first time I saw you light up acigarette? and I never told you that it was hotter than anyone I’ve seen before,hotter than Miguel. I’ve grown so afraid of your upcoming death thatI don’t want petty cigarettes to be the clogging artery toward that road becauseA. these cancer sticks, these self induced death candies, these want to choke on all things smoke,areB. something I can control from the thousand ways to die book. and I’ll postpone that scary date for as long as I can.I’
she wants to see me fall, and she wants to see me fall, and run my fingertips through luscious hair.but what she doesn't understandis that I already fell from the stars in my unwanted days.back when she was prancing toes, hands on hips even when the winter cold threatened to break off her fragile fingertips.I was the only one there for her.I was standing far too close.I haven't figured out why she tosses and turns at night if she's screaming for me to run away from power. Is she power? Or am I her power?Maybe I'm not the only one who threatens to break.