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Gone Like SmokeI tossed my last cigarette onto the school parking lot. Waiting for the day they'd catch me, some do-good teacher trying to rid the sin of tobacco and cancer all gift wrapped in one to go box. I didn't care. I didn't even like smoking. I just couldn't say no anymore.
She lit my first cigarette. With candy coated lips and shoulder length blonde hair, her eyes the color of a blazing summer sky. Virginia was her name, Alicia Virginia. Looking like the Virgin Mary, size 0 and a chest to tempt all eyes. I didn't even like her, I hated her at first. Next to me, she crushed my voice, showed me up in every list. Had boys follow her path and I watched in envy. One day, after school, I left late. I had enough to carry, wearing baggy black pants and a ripped up Simple Plan T-shirt, I found myself tripping outside the door, dropping the four library books I'd just checked out. I pulled back my long black hair and hurried to receive the books when I heard chuckling to my right. Alicia, along with t
Seeking Lettersevery time i write your name down, i think you lied to me when you told me where to place the letters.
you told me i was pretty, with my skin as naked as paper. that the make-up was too much and that you didn't like girls who caked their face. and i couldn't help but look at the girl who sat next to you, turned away from our conversation (for once) and think
'but look at her made up face.'
she had long wavy hair, the color of a sparrow. and her gauges were sweet and her lips were thin. her eyes were wide and her eyelashes thin and long with the mascara pasted like paint across them. she would watch us have petty arguments, chime in about how cute we were. and i'd blush and you'd look at her. thinking, 'are you crazy?'
and when we spoke our eyes stayed on each other's, lost in their pools. yours in my gray storms and mine in those brown mystery sets of you. couldn't figure you out, not once. and you figured me out, all the way.
except for you didn't.
If I was Invisible"When you have a hard decision, flip a coin.
Because when the coin is in the air, you suddenly know what you're hoping for."
i once tried to kill myself.
took a bottle of orange and white pills, and emptied till i could see over fourty pills and twenty in my hand.
but i learned that swallowing wasn't easy, and the best things in life pass by too quickly. like death.
i took my pills a day at a time. 15 mg. at first, following by 30 mg the second day and onward.
opened the capsule, dumped the powder in the applesauce and never let my tongue taste my high. and when an hour passed, the sensations rolled.
"i'm trying to speak clearly, but my tongue won't let me. or my head. i'm so sorry. sorry."
he just looked at me. and he told me i was funny when i was high. and i took that as an okay, to keep doing it.
"do you see the colors? they're dancing everywhere. do you see them?"
no one answered me.
yesterday i wanted to ask a boy i've known a year what it was like to be invisible.
Looking in broken mirrorsi went looking for myself in you. and i never found it, because if i did, you would have told me, right?
you left. well technically, you were never here. but i liked to tell myself that you were mine for awhile because no other girl wanted you.
that's not true. but no other girl tried. because they were all scared.
i heard that you intimidated them, and i saw that once in your purple eyes.
your fists grew tight and your eyes grew black and you pushed my hand away from your midnight curly hair and i tucked in all the sarcasm i knew for you and hid it in my pockets. just in case i needed to pull it out and sing you some stupid phrase about how wolf like you looked.
and i could finally see what all the girls talked about when they said you had sharp teeth and razor blade eyes. but it didn't hurt. and i stayed, for a little.
i wanted to talk to you after they took me away. i wanted to see your face one more time. and i wanted to scream at you for leaving me and taking her. even if she wasn
May Soldierit's funny what we remember.
and what we forget.
i remember my first home. a big old barn house mansion up in Lucketts, with a big barn of dark red and a creek with water spiders. a cousin with red hair and aunt who was more a mother than my own. and a pool table with a train set, to match the slot machines by the window.
and i remember my first love, a puerto rican boy with gorgeous aquamarine eyes and a distant personality. and i remember my first cigarette, handed to me by a girl with black colored hair and snow white skin.
but i don't remember you, or your touch. because there was no such thing.
and i don't remember you or your apology, because i pushed you away in April.
i don't remember you or why you hurt more than anything i'd ever had injected in my heart before.
but remembering you. you. and you. is nothing.
because you. you. and you. all left.
and now i have you.
hey you, beautiful boy. i'm not saying that because of your looks. i'm saying that because of your heart.
From the girl who could have loved youdear ocean boy,
far on the other side of the world, conquesting days through two hour sleepless nights and long roads during the day.
i never told you, but it wasn't my fault. yeah, you probably expect me to say that.
but i don't know if i had a choice.
i tried to tell you last night, but you pushed me away.
"Go fuck yourself you stupid whore"
was what you said. and i almost cried. i did cry, but not at that. i should have, but all i was thinking was how much i could have loved you.
and how much you never loved me.
it's December and you're here. you're there but you're here somewhere, in the trees or on the road. i don't know but i feel you everywhere i go.
and we're almost happy. we convinced ourselves we were happy, in love. but we weren't. so when January came and i met the devil with blue eyes,
i was all too easily swayed to come inside his home,
and taste the smoke he gave.
and i never told you,
what i still can't say two years from then.
with eyes like the earth. dar
Fighting Fairi never said i'd fight fair, i said i'd fight back.
before you there was him, and before him there was nothing. and it wasn't even him that was what i wanted, but you. and before you there was a big great field with a tree smack down in the middle with a rain stained stage of wood in it and a ladder nailed to the trunk all the way up. and the first time i climbed it i was by myself, almost. i was running from home just to get away from preteen reality and hormone emotions when my big brother led me to the field. and some time after i left that place, the grass grew tall and the wheat faded and dulled and the tree was cut down.
i never went back.
the last words i said to you was a spray of "always" and "yours" and that was last summer. and i remember because it was the first night in over a year that i'd seen my green star. it was the first night since leaving home and coming here and knocking on your doorstep that i saw a faded star in the night sky, bigger and brighter of neon gre
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